This is me on the day of my oldest son’s funeral.

I’m smiling but honestly, I had no clue what was going on. I walked around and greeted our friends and family who were busy wiping away their own tears. I laughed to break awkward moments and embraced a lot instead of looking into people’s eyes.

I cried once during the service when our pastor asked all the families that had children and who were pregnant to come stand on the floor of the sanctuary. He prayed a blessing over us all and at that moment, to see so many young families in the midst of tragedy. It brought great peace but also great sadness.

Our dream of living this perfect little quiet life was suddenly burst with the reality of standing at your own child’s funeral.

This is my journey while waiting on my son walker. I started the blog while waiting for him to return to life. I was waiting for a miracle and wanted to have others pray and wait with us. I told the story of how he got sick, all the things that we did to get him better and then how we dealt with it when he was called to heaven.

I was so confident that God would preform a miracle while we all watched. I dismissed the prognosis from doctors, over and over. I really did not live in denial, well I did at first but I think I would call it shock. I just didn’t know why God wouldn’t do something that I KNEW he could.

Well what happens when God’s version of my life is different than from my version? This is my story of what that looks like, what it feels like and how we are putting it all into a story that will bring others to Jesus.

That’s really what this is all about. All our stories. What did we do while waiting for Jesus?

I was many things before Walker became sick.. A wife, a teacher, a photographer, an artist, a mother, an idealist, a stay at home mom. After Walker died, I wasn’t really sure who I was anymore. I had spent two years of my life, day and night, trying to save his life. I didn’t exist anymore. Trying to figure out what comes next was pretty scary. I would have to face who I was again, and I wasn’t sure what that looked like.

It turns out that I am pretty much the same just with one foot in heaven and one on earth. Things don’t matter nearly as much as they used to, life is not to be taken for granted. Each day is a gift and I am going to choose to spend my time wisely. I will serve and love God. I will use my gifts as a blessing to others and as an opportunity to share about Christ.

Things are different. At every moment, I am aware that Walker is not here. Everything reminds me of him but I am not taken captive by these feelings. I will cry or laugh or smile about it and breath it out and move forward.

I write now because it connects the chaos in my brain with the reality of the world and how to swallow the truth and choose hope.

I am slowly discovering that who I am now after losing a son, is so much closer to the person that God wants me to be. Through trials we birth this solid version of ourselves and I am just trying to cling to it and be faithful and if you want, then you can read about it.